Valentine’s Day is coming up! If you’re in a relationship, this is a beautiful opportunity to celebrate the love you two share. Think: a romantic candlelit dinner, eloquently written words of affirmation, a surprise bouquet of flowers sent to your office, a box of your favorite chocolates…
Your ideal version of soulmate love.
… or is it?
What about something healthier and more realistic for Valentine’s Day?
What Relationships Should Look Like vs. Reality
The reality is, society has created a false narrative for what relationships should look like, and Valentine’s Day is the epitome of it all.
Let me tell you: the vast majority of couples’ relationships are nothing like utopian pictures Hallmark cards paint in our head. People become disappointed when their partner forgets to give them a gift, or when they compare the card they do receive to what they “think” they should be getting.
My advice? Use Valentine’s Day as a special opportunity to focus on building the relationship the two of share by spending quality time together. Not only will this dissolve false expectations, but it is an important long-term investment in the future of your relationship.
Here are some healthy, real-world (pandemic-friendly) ideas on how to spend Valentine’s Day building what matters most to you without breaking the bank.
Learn Your Partner’s Love Language
What is your partners Love Language? What makes your partner feel most loved and supported? Do they respond best to receiving gifts, words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, or physical touch?
Dedicate time this Valentine’s Day to discussing this with your partner. By learning what makes your partner feel most loved, you will have a better understanding of how to best support them. You want your gifts to be meaningful.
I recommend asking this question in a fun, flirty way to build the spark the two of your share. You can even go over the top this Valentine’s Day and treat your partner to all five. At the end of the day, have a conversation about which gifts your partner preferred or liked the best.
Start, Stop, and Continue
Spend one hour talking with your partner this Valentine’s Day about the things they do already that you most enjoy. Do they make you coffee in the morning? Meet you with encouraging words when you come home from work? Give you a back rub after a long day? This exercise is an opportunity to reinforce the positive behaviors your partner already does that make you love them so much.
Sit for an hour or more and talk with your partner. Grab a glass of wine, a coffee, tea or whatever and carve this moment out for each other
Next, I want you to spend time discussing what you would like your partner to stop doing or adjust in terms of their behavior. I encourage you to frame your statements in a constructive manner. For example, use phrases including: “I notice that when you ___, ____ happens. Can we brainstorm how to ___ in the future?”. Or: “I notice that when I ___, you ___. Although I love ___, I need___. Can we ___ in the future?”.
Lastly, I want the two of you to envision the future of your relationship. Spend time brainstorming what you want this next chapter of your relationship to look, be and feel like.
Brainstorm 10 Date Activities
Write down ten future date ideas. Engage in new activities to build memories together. Go to a University lecture, take cooking classes, have a spa day together. Make sure that your dates are either exciting, relaxing or a bit of both. By intentionally doing self-care activities together, you build relationship resiliency. Your brain associates the good feelings associated with these activities with memories you share with your partner.
This Valentine’s Day, I want you to invest in what matters most in your relationship with your partner. Spending quality time together. These pandemic-friendly ideas will purposefully strengthen the love the two of you share without breaking the bank. Concentrate on what matters most, and purposely build a love that lasts a lifetime.