The following audio excerpt was taken from a radio show in Houston with a call-in guest named “Josh” who couldn’t figure out why his 2nd date was ghosting him. Take a listen:
Although Josh is an extreme example, his obvious bad behavior is a prime opportunity for education. Instead of using these case studies as entertainment, it’s more important to teach an audience how to easily spot signs of toxic behaviors or potentially unhealthy partners that might otherwise go unnoticed. Learning the first steps of awareness helps us all expand from this negativity into helping people learn how to both find and attract loving, healthy partners.
Identifying Toxic Dates
Based on this extreme dating case study, I’d like to explain the toxic behavioral signs to look out for when dating:
Josh displayed traits of being both a narcissist and sociopath (grandiose, bragging, entitled, and displayed a callous disregard for others, etc.) He displayed no guilt, no introspection, no empathy, and no respect.
- If you are on a date with someone who is talking in a cruel way about anyone (be it a coworker, waiter, friend, etc.) do not date this person. Period. Josh was an extreme example in that he bragged about cheating, deceiving, and harming his own wife.
- Josh lacked empathy — for everyone. For his wife, the single woman, and even the radio hosts. Empathy is an essential quality to look for in someone who is ready and capable of soulmate-type love. Most people are familiar with the word “empathy” but have a hard time knowing how to properly assess it in the early stages of a relationship. (Signs of empathy include: your date taking the initiative to get to know you on a deeper level, asking great questions, and respecting your likes, dislikes, preferences, and “no”s). If you desire a soulmate relationship, you need a partner who displays empathy. Josh clearly did not.
- Josh was grandiose. He thought he could get his wishes without ever getting caught, even when asking this single woman for a second date on a radio station with 1 Million listeners. He lived in a delusional reality.
- Josh showed signs of manipulation. He attempted to change the single woman’s reality through his language, using her “no” as an opportunity to challenge her. He said he wanted to “take care of her,” but his actions clearly stated otherwise. In reality, he is harming her, hurting her, using her as a mistress, and disrespecting her values. It’s easier for more people than you might realize to fall into this trap of toxic, charming language. Avoid being manipulated. Actions should always speak louder than words.
Advice for People who find themselves on a Toxic Date
- Leave immediately at the sign of any huge red flags (they’re married, they show signs of disrespect, they challenge your boundaries, etc.). These people enjoy manipulation and will use their “charm” in an attempt to “win” you over. This is not love, and this is not healthy.
- Do not let someone like Josh take up space in your head or live in your precious heart. As humans, we are trained to prioritize seeing negatives for survival reasons (think: Maslow’s hierarchy of needs or the classic fight/flight/freeze mode). We should never let one toxic partner blindside us into believing that there are no healthy partners out there or that dating “isn’t for you.” “Josh” is not representative of the majority of the population. Many times, people leave toxic relationships or “bad” dates and cling to the unhealthy emotional energy, questioning what they did wrong, or why the other person mistreated them. It’s easier said than done, but you need to let go of him in both a literal and metaphorical sense.
- Be grateful for guys like Josh. Dating a toxic person teaches you the importance of boundary setting, both internally and externally. When you let go of a Josh, you prioritize your sacred self. Someone should be incredibly proud of themselves for refusing to be manipulated. By practicing the skill of leaving the date early, you actually improve your ability to be in a loving relationship because it builds your confidence, communication, and boundary-setting skills.
- Say no. It is scary to say no to someone, but it’s even scarier to communicate boundaries with your soulmate. Practice early. Josh gives you an opportunity to practice saying “no” while detaching from the outcome. Saying no is a great way to practice judging someone’s maturity (an essential trait in a healthy partner). You need to be able to freely communicate your needs, wants, likes, and preferences in a relationship.
A good habit is to practice saying “no” on your first three dates with someone to see how they react (Did they listen? Adjust their behavior? How well did they problem-solve?) You do not want to be with someone who gets turned off, upset, shames, blames you, or walks away. You want a partner who can effectively solve problems, has their ego in check and acts with maturity. Demanding to be respected is attractive.
Emily Norman Avalgiano:
Emily Avagliano is a dating and relationship expert, coach, and international speaker who helps singles not only find their soulmate but teaches them the skills they need to craft a love that grows consistently over a lifetime. Her passion lies in working with individuals of all ages, genders, and backgrounds who seek the deepest, most meaningful relationships possible — starting with the relationship they have with themselves. She helps people understand the key attributes, empathy, maturity, and appropriateness, of a healthy person capable of soulmate love and avoid the toxic trap of dating someone not ready for love. Backed by years of scientific research, Emily’s signature program, “Dating to Get Married” has helped hundreds of clients find their soulmate, most notably within the challenging constraints of a global pandemic.
Emily is also the best-selling author of Dating After Trauma and her work has been featured in Psychology Today, HerCampus National, and Adolescent.
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