How can you stop reading too deep into texts? How to trust your gut instincts? Emily Avagliano, relationship expert and dating coach gives insight into tips to stop overthinking and how to develop real relationship skills using logic and strategy.
1. To stop overthinking in a relationship, choose a healthy partner that displays empathy, maturity, appropriateness, and reciprocity.
2. Determine if the fear is a generalized fear or something your partner specifically did. Replace generalized fear with thoughts that are practical, logical and kind to ourselves.
Overthinking and Dealing with Your Fears
It’s normal for these types of thoughts to come up when dating someone:
- What if my partner finds out something they don’t like about me that they abandon me?
- What if I get ghosted?
- Are they lying to me?
- What if I missed a red flag and this person is actually toxic?
- Am I falling in love too quickly?
- What did that last text mean?
I recommend two different strategies for overcoming these fears and automatic thoughts. Date someone capable of a long lasting, loving relationship and talk back to your generalized fear that is sabotaging your goal of being in a loving relationship.
How can you tell if you are in loving relationship with a partner capable of soulmate love?
Empathy – Signs of empathy include: your date taking the initiative to get to know you on a deeper level, asking great questions, and respecting your likes, dislikes, preferences, and “no”s.
Maturity – Maturity can be seen in how an individual responds to unexpected or stressful situations in which they don’t get their way. A good habit is to practice saying “no” on your first three dates with someone to see how they react (Did they listen? Adjust their behavior? How well did they problem-solve?).
You do not want to be with someone who gets turned off, upset, shames, blames you, or walks away. You want a partner who can effectively solve problems, has their ego in check, and acts with maturity. You want a partner who sees “No” as instructions on how to love you more deeply.
Appropriateness – Is your date appropriate for the length of time they have known you? Are they too sexually aggressive? Too idealistic in immediately dreaming of you being “the one”? It is ok to get excited about someone, but most of the time when a person verbalizes that “you are the one,” but barely knows you, they are either emotionally immature or trying to manipulate you. Neither is good in a long-term relationship.
Is he/she asking for money? Is he/she asking for help or pity? Again, none of these are good. You want someone who gets to know you slowly over time and waits a certain number of dates to open up to you emotionally and sexually. Moving too fast is a sign that they are not ready fora relationship.
Reciprocity – Reciprocity is a fundamental principal for building trust in a relationship. Does your date show that they are equally investing in the relationship? Or are they putting in the same amount of energy and effort as you? If they aren’t equally investing, that can be a sign that they are not ready for a relationship with you.
Using these criteria on dates helps you select healthy partners who are ready for love and commitment. You will worry less when you pick a healthy partner that does not play games to get your attention.
Advice to Overcome Anxiety when Dating
When I first started as a dating coach, I thought all I had to do was help my clients find someone special; that choosing a healthy person was the biggest hurdle. It wasn’t. I was amazed by the fear that comes up when dating someone healthy and good for us. To help clients break through this generalized fear, I ask the following questions:
1) Has your partner done anything specific that causes you to believe they are toxic? (“No.”)
2) Is this relationship anything like your toxic relationships in the past? (“No.”) This partner is loving and kind. This partner listens to my needs and wants. This partner adjusts their behavior to respect my boundaries. I can tell this person anything. This is the best relationship I’ve ever had.
And that’s it. Trust that you are worthy of this type of love. There is no game. The person really, truly loves you.
What are some reasons why people overthink relationships?
I tell my clients if the fear is not based on something specific the partner did we have to break down that “generalized fear” and replace it with something more practical and logical that is also kind to ourselves. Our partner has consistently behaved in a loving way…trust that. If your partner does something you dislike, trust that you can have a conversation and problem solve. This is not an all or nothing game like in a toxic relationship.
You can have this type of relationship when you date someone empathetic, mature, appropriate, and reciprocating.
Is relationship anxiety and overthinking a result of past trauma?
You may consistently date toxic people because you fear healthy intimacy.
It’s easier to be in a toxic relationship. Why? Because they require less from us in terms of intimacy. We don’t have to be vulnerable because the relationship itself is fake. We don’t have to share our own inner workings with them, because quite frankly, the toxic person doesn’t really care.
They have no interest in truly meeting our needs or getting to know us on a deeper level. The romance is an illusion. The anxiety of thinking “will this work out?” is the carrot that keeps us hooked in these go-nowhere relationships. We feel like we are doing something productive by dissecting our thoughts when in fact we are actually just wallowing in a miserable relationship.
It takes courage and hard work to meet someone who is amazing and wants to create a loving relationship with us. It takes courage to love someone who is kind to us because we have so much to lose when those relationships don’t work out.
You have programmed yourself to fear love. Some people have experienced so many toxic relationships in the past, they’ve programmed themselves to fear love. When they start to experience healthy love for the first time, their brain is convinced that it is a trick, and they start to self-sabotage the relationship.