How to get through family gatherings or the holidays when you have a toxic family member? Read on. Here are a few tips, responses and suggestions to get rid of toxic conversation starters. (Hint: Once you know these tricks, it’s easier than you think.)
The holidays are a special time of year where your mom wants you to pretend that everyone in the family likes each other and gets along.
Maybe even you pine for the Norman Rockwell idealism of a family sharing a meal with everyone smiling and getting along. The truth is most families have at least one family member that is truly toxic, whether it is bringing up old grudges, attacking your political views, or asking that dreaded question “so how is your love life these days? Seeing anyone?” They seem to know just how to ask a question to elicit anxiety and dread.
If you have a family member that is difficult to be around especially during the holidays, here are a few tips to help you keep your sanity, and dare I say it, enjoy a family gathering!
Choose Non-Controversial, Neutral Conversation Topics
Choose your topics of conversation carefully. Before you attend your family event, think of at least 5-8 topics that are easy and fun to talk about with your family. Your cat, a vacation plan for after covid-19, music, a tv show, your exercise routine, a new favorite dish you have learned during the pandemic, all the cool things you have learned to do by yourself that you didn’t think were possible – mine was cutting my own hair. Ok, maybe I am not an expert but I am surprised I did not totally mess up my locks. You can even come up with subjects that your family members enjoy talking about like your mom’s new cat figurine collection or your uncle Ron’s woodworking.
if someone is asking a question to purposely hurt you, they aren’t safe to share your inner thoughts with. – Emily Avagliano
How to Pivot Negative Conversations Quickly
When you attend the gathering with your family and someone engages you on a subject that you know will lead to a fight like politics or something that just makes you feel uncomfortable, say to your family member any of these lines and then switch immediately to a pre-thought-out easy topic:
“That’s interesting. You know something that has been really keeping me up at night… what kind of vacation do I want to enjoy after this pandemic is over? Honestly, I am so excited to get things back to normal. I am really looking forward to just relaxing…” or these:
“Thanks for sharing that bit of news. Yes, politics is very heavy right now. I gotta say when I get worried about our country I start cooking my favorite quarantine dish – acorn squash. I saw the recipe on YouTube. I have learned so much on YouTube these past months. Have you learned any new dishes to cook during the pandemic?”
“You know I just haven’t thought about that in a while. I try to keep things light and enjoy learning new things during the pandemic. One thing I am really enjoying doing is exercising. I have gotten really good at consistently walking this neighborhood track and lost 10 lbs.”
“Interesting. That sounds too heavy for me. Right now, I am really trying to lighten the mood and keep things happy. One show on tv I have really enjoyed watching is the comedy special Ali Wong’s Baby Cobra. Whenever I need a good laugh, I just switch her on.”
How to answer the question, “How’s your love life?”
“The pandemic is tough, but I am hopeful. There are a lot of good things happening in my life right now. I am also really looking forward to the vaccine coming out in April and having this quarantine thing come to an end. And how are you doing with the…?” This will change the subject
If your family member is super toxic they might not enjoy you lightening the mood. They may come back with a snarky comment trying to make you feel inferior, dumb, or just selfish. Here are some ways to overcome hurtful, quick jabs:
How to Overcome Snarky, Toxic Jabs
“Well, you are entitled to that opinion. I am going to talk with someone else now.” The good news is that it is much harder to attack someone on Zoom of Facetime because other family members will see.
Another strategy is to think like a politician. Answer the question you want instead of the question they asked. For example, when they ask “Why aren’t you married yet?” a good answer is, “I have an amazing life and just in a really good place. I think about how lucky I am with all my friendships and loving relationships in my life. And what are your plans for 2021? What is the number one thing you want to do after the pandemic lifts?”
Remember if someone is asking a question to purposely hurt you, they aren’t safe to share your inner thoughts with. They have not earned the right to hear your pain. Answer with fluff and switch the topic. You will slowly teach them what topics you will engage in and which you will ignore.
Do a Toxic Self-Care Sandwich
Most importantly, I recommend doing a toxic, “self-care sandwich.” If you are going to visit a family member that is highly toxic, do self-care before and after visiting this person. Giving yourself rewards and comfort for interacting with this person. (i.e. Pats on the back, praise for good behavior, love and recognition for how much you can rise above negativity.) ❤️
Limit Your time with Toxic People
Next, don’t spend longer than 3 hours with this person. Break up the day; go for a walk, watch a movie, do something where you have downtime or limit the amount of time you spend with them.
Again, Zoom meetings naturally limit the amount of time you spend with someone. A two-hour Zoom call is a long call.
Xo,
EM